Values, Principles & Character

Menanteau Serfontein – 29 December 2020. Updated 20 January 2021.

Question: Do you think it is useful and important for you to fully know and understand: 

• who you truly are? If so, why?
• what your vision/desires/purpose in life is and whether you are on the right track? 

Before we get into the detail of specific values and principles, there are a few realities that one needs to come to terms with in order to maximise one’s mental health and to live a meaningful and fulfilled life. It is essential to have a healthy and accurate understanding of “who we truly are” (i.e. the “real self”), and what our purpose and destiny is. All of us should come to terms with “who am I”, “where have I come from”, “where am I now” and “where am I going”.   It is useful to periodically make an honest assessment of issues such as the following:

• What do I truly believe and what values do I treasure most and live by
• How do I truly see myself
• What are my interests and passions, what do I really like to do, what do I really care about and in what types of activities do I feel most comfortable
• What is most important to me, what drives and motivates me (“what makes me tick”)
• What am I really good at
• What am I not interested in and what do I do not like doing
• What are my strengths and weaknesses
• How can I build on my strengths
• What can I do to improve my areas of weakness
• What is the extent of the health of my body, soul and spirit and are they in balance
• What were the principles, values and habits that I have learnt and adopted when I grew up and during my life to date
• Which of these principles, values and habits have been worthwhile and assisted me to function effectively as a well-adjusted person
• Which of these principles, values and habits have had a negative impact and have been counter-productive
• Which of these counter-productive aspects would I like to change
• How do I see/regard others; is it all about me or do I also take a genuine interest in other people
• How do other people see and regard me
• In addition to my narrow interests and passions, am I also pursuing things of significance that are bigger than myself
• What do I want to be remembered for
• If my life were perfect, what would it look like

This type of assessment will assist you to obtain much greater clarity about who and what you truly are and could serve as a platform to formulate a vision/mission statement for your life going forward. It could also assist in ensuring that you set objectives and embark upon activities that are worthwhile, uplifting and a source of immense satisfaction. There is nothing wrong in pursuing your personal dreams and goals, as long as your whole existence does not revolve only around yourself (self-centredness) and your selfish needs and wants.

Menanteau Serfontein – 29 December 2020. Updated 13 January 2022.

Question to yourself: Do you always present a completely accurate picture of yourself which is in line with your “real self”, or do you tend to present a picture which is unauthentic and not aligned with your “real self”? Does it matter and if so, why?

Most people wear a figurative “mask” of some sort, meaning that most of us tend to put our “best foot forward” by presenting a picture of who I am which is perhaps not completely in line with the “real self”. I have no doubt that the extent of our mental health is quite strongly related to the extent to which there is genuine alignment between the “mask” and the “real self” (read more about the “real self” in the article entitled “WhoAm I?” Knowing yourself and where you are going). Ideally, there should be complete alignment between the two. The greater the difference, the greater the internal internal tension (dissonance) between the two. Most of us are familiar with the saying  “You can fool some people some time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time”. The more we pretend to be someone that we are not, the more internal turmoil there is and the greater the chances of being “caught out”. This tension normally places a massive strain on someone who is struggling with this sort of challenge and often has a significant detrimental effect on one’s mental health.

I believe that the ideal is to be genuine and to be someone of whom others will say “what you see is what you get”, i.e. presenting your authentic self to the world with “warts and all”. This is much better than putting up a fake front with undesirable tendencies being hidden in the dark, hoping that no-one will find out.

Be honest with yourself and take responsibility

The beginning of honesty (dealt with in the article “Integrity and Honesty”) is to be honest with and about yourself. Face yourself – look at yourself honestly in the mirror, stop any self-lies and repair yourself. This may well take some time, but it is worth it.

When things go wrong, what is your first response? Do you look at yourself first, honestly asking yourself to what extent you have either been the cause of the problem or might have contributed to what happened? Or is your instinctive immediate reaction to blame someone else or the “circumstances”? If so, you would most probably tend to be the “victim” who blames everything and everyone else, instead of looking at yourself first, asking “what have I said or done” that might have resulted in, or contributed to, the problem that occurred. If you truly know and believe that you played no part in causing the problem, then it is okay to cast the blame elsewhere. However, if you come to the realisation that it was your fault or that you have contributed to the problem, then the healthy response is to be courageous enough to take your fair share of the responsibility for your role in causing the problem.

Face up to problems/issues and take ownership/responsibility. Don’t focus on others and rather monitor your own behaviour. Evict your victim mentality from your mind and heart. Take responsibility for your life and start doing something about those areas requiring attention.

To own up, is often difficult, but it is the right and healthy thing to do.  Being honest with yourself and others, will leave you with a clear conscience, enabling you to put things behind you relatively quickly and such an approach tends to engender respect from others. (Other factors playing a role in obtaining a clear conscience, are discussed in the article  “Duty, Trustworthiness, Reliability, Dependability and Faithfulness”).

One of the factors playing a role here, is the need for a clear conscience. Key components of living with a clear conscience include a high degree of integrity and honesty (covered in the article Integrity and Honesty) coupled with a relatively high alignment between the “real self” and the “mask”. Those with a clear conscience usually have a better chance of sleeping well at night.

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Menanteau Serfontein – 29 December 2020. Updated 28 February 2021. Updated 14 December 2021.

What is Character?

Character is the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual, i.e. a person’s values, principles and inner moral compass, based on a set of norms, assumptions, beliefs, thoughts, perceptions, habits of behaviour, likes and dislikes. In the context of the topic of values, principles and character dealt with here, the concept of character will be regarded as the product of the types of values and principles that a given person has internalized and lives by.

In his book “The Road to Character”, David Brooks states that character is a set of dispositions, desires, and habits that are slowly engraved during the struggle against your own weakness. You become more disciplined, considerate, and loving through a thousand small acts of self-control, sharing, service, friendships, and refined enjoyment. Character is built in the course of your inner confrontation. He says that over the past few decades, we have built a moral ecology around the Big Me, around the belief in a golden figure inside. This has led to a rise in narcissism and self-aggrandisement. Brooks suggests that balance needs to be restored and that eulogy virtues that foster meaning and purpose should be revived such as a life well lived—kindness, compassion, love, humility, wisdom, courage, and integrity.

Brooks says the following: “The things that lead us astray are short term – lust, fear, vanity, gluttony. The things we call character endure over the long term – courage, honesty, humility. People with character are capable of long-term obedience in the same direction, of staying attached to people and causes and callings consistently through thick and thin. They are not infinitely flexible, free-floating and solitary. They are anchored by permanent attachments to important things. In the realm of the intellect, they have a set of permanent convictions about fundamental truths. In the realm of emotion, they are enmeshed in a web of unconditional loves. In the realm of action, they have a permanent commitment to tasks that cannot be completed in a single lifetime.
Over the centuries, our ancestors built up a general bank of practical wisdom, traditions, habits, manners, moral sentiments, and practices. The humble person understands that wisdom is not knowledge. Wisdom emerges out of a collection of intellectual virtues. It is knowing how to behave when perfect knowledge is lacking.

The person who successfully struggles against weakness and sin may or may not become rich and famous, but that person will become mature. Maturity is not based on talent, or any of the mental or physical gifts that help you to ace an IQ test or run fast or move gracefully. It is not comparative. It is earned not by being better than other people at something, but by being better than you used to be. It is earned by being dependable in times of testing, straight in times of temptation. Maturity does not glitter. It is not built on the traits that make people celebrities. A mature person possesses a settled unity of purpose. The mature person has moved from fragmentation to centredness, has achieved a state in which the restlessness is over, the confusion about the meaning and the purpose of life is calmed. The mature person can make decisions without relying on the positive and negative reactions from admirers or detractors, because the mature person has steady criteria to determine what is right. That person has said a multitude of noes for the sake of a few overwhelming yeses.”

Moral discipline is a key component of Character. Robert Elliott Speer, The Stuff of Manhood, Some Needed Notes on American Character, wrote that self-control, obedience to duty, the willingness to endure hardship and a zest for arduous undertakings, summed up as discipline and austerity, are key qualities of good character.

Speer states that “As we are faced with varying circumstances each day and judge and decide how to act, our actions become our habits, and our habits become our character”. Speer goes on to say that a “person is characterized by his deeds ….. character is a habit of will”. The formation of character comes about through “the constant, habitual, hurried, routine acts of common life … ”

The formation of character includes making choices all the time between our basic instincts and impulses versus decisions based on what is right in terms of our values (moral principles), irrespective of the circumstances. The result of these choices culminate in our conduct which is a demonstration of our character.

Our character, basically, is a composite of our habits. In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Sow a thought and you reap an action, sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character, sow a character, reap a destiny.”

Why Cultivate Character Development?

Ralph Waldo Emerson said “Men of character are the conscience of the society to which they belong”. During the early stages of the formation of the United States of America, the view was that the commitment to living a life of character was the key in the success or failure of the republican experiment. Thomas Jefferson said that “The steady character of our countrymen is a rock to which we may safely moor.” What James Madison, Virginia Ratifying Convention, 20 June 1788 wrote, can be summarised as follows; he referred to the key republican principle, that the people will have the necessary virtue and intelligence to choose men of virtue and wisdom to represent them in government. In the absence of virtue, no form of government can render the country secure. To suppose that any form of government will secure liberty or happiness without any virtue in the people, is a chimerical idea (i.e. hoped for, but illusory or impossible to achieve).

Character formation should not happen only automatically and by chance. We have an active role to play which requires effort and commitment. If we have lived an easy, indulgent life without much resistance and effort, and if we have allowed our basic instincts and impulses to reign freely without control, it becomes extremely difficult to break out of the habit; Speer says that we then end up obeying our caprices (i.e. sudden and unaccountable changes in mood or behaviour); follow any impulse; cannot stick to any task; do not know a principle when we see it; have no iron or steel anywhere in our character; are the riffraff of the world that the worthy men and women have to bear along as they go.

There is no freedom outside of character. Montesquieu says that liberty is not freedom to do just as we please. Liberty is the ability to do as we ought. And the freedom that we need is not the freedom of caprice and whim and listening to our impulses. It is the freedom that enables our eyes clearly to see what right is, and then empowers us to do it. William George Jordan says “Into the hands of every individual is given a marvellous power for good or evil – the silent, unconscious, unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of what man really is, not what he pretends to be.”

Speer states that just as the companions we choose can mould our character, so can we mould others: We ourselves are the shapers and directors of the characters and the characteristics of some whom we meet or reach. This thought ought to give us a sense of added responsibility and of added anxiety. What we are, may settle the question of what a multitude of others shall be and shall do. Our lives and characters are entering into and becoming a part of the lives and characters of those whom we never knew until recently, and their lives and characters are entering into and becoming a part of ours. The composition of their and our characters is still in progress.

Do you accept the notion that it is essential for all of us to develop and strengthen our character?

How Character Development Happens

Character develops through what and how we think, say and behave. The more one thinks, speaks and does something, the better one gets at it and the more it becomes part of one’s being. Similarly, the more one refrains from thinking and speaking about something or behaving in a given way, the more suppressed it becomes. This can apply to anything, e.g. love or empathy.

There are many things that shape our character and our lives for better or for worse. It is influenced by things such as where we lived as children, how we were brought up, the examples and expectations of parents, teachers and others in positions of authority, friends, religious principles, education, etc.

Sometimes character can be transformed by significant events such as the death of a loved one, a debilitating illness, a serious accident. Such experiences may result in someone becoming disillusioned or cynical, or becoming more empathetic and compassionate. Crisis situations could also contribute to the formation of character, for example when someone steps in and adopts a leadership role under circumstances he has never been exposed to in the past.

The people with whom we surround ourselves, also play a key role in shaping our character, sometimes without us realising it. The people who cross our paths could be long term relationships or brief encounters. The influence of such experiences could be highly beneficial or severely detrimental. This could happen during one’s early developmental phases, or much later in life. According to Speer, our characters are in a formative state for as long as we live and are continually being re-shaped and re-directed, through the influence of those whom we get to know and admire during our lifetime.

Speer says that “Only hardness can make a great soul” and the cultivation of character gives us the inner exercise that makes our souls grow: … Smoothness of life is simply deadening because it keeps us out of what is real life ….” “A life of indulgence and ease”, Speer concludes, “leaves men and women weak, with no strength either themselves to bear or to achieve for others.”

Helen Keller says “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

To get physically stronger, can only be achieved through physical effort. In the same way, our character can only become stronger when we have resistance, opposition and obstacles to overcome. The easy, indulgent life is not conducive to the cultivation of virtuous values, principles and a strong inner moral compass which are the key components of an upright character. All this requires strenuous effort, deep experience, forming appropriate habits and effective self-control.

David Brooks says we should struggle with ourselves and in the process sacrifice worldly success for the sake of an inner victory. Character is built in the course of your inner confrontation. In the struggle against your own weakness, humility is the greatest virtue with pride being the central vice. Pride makes cold-heartedness and cruelty possible. Because of pride we try to prove that we are better than those around us. Pride deludes us that we are the authors of our own lives.

In my own experience, it is indeed possible to make quite a lot of progress with the deliberate and disciplined inculcation of moral virtues and values through shear self-control and tenacity, however I have also experienced that this process became a lot easier and much more effective when I submitted to the lordship of Christ and living a spirit-filled life. I believe that redemption is through grace alone by faith and that we cannot achieve it in our own by living a good life in our own strength. As Brooks says, no person can achieve self-mastery on his or her own.

Does this mean that we have no role to play in the strengthening of our values and morality that culminates in the extent of the substance of our character? The answer is no, we have an obligation to actively co-labour with the spirit to continually shape and mould what and how we think, choose and speak and how we behave on a daily basis.

Various factors beyond our control can play a role in shaping our character, however the greatest impact on our character are those factors that we have power over, i.e. the manner in which we respond to circumstances. The true test of character is whether one adheres to one’s moral principles and values, irrespective of severe temptation or painful repercussions. In short, one’s character should prevail irrespective of the circumstances, i.e. doing what is right under all circumstances, because it is the right thing to do.

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Menanteau Serfontein – 29 December 2020

Question to yourself: Do you think it is useful and important for people to know, understand and live by a set of values and principles related to the concept of “virtue” (moral goodness)? If so, why?

In his book “The Abolition of Man”, C.S. Lewis points out that similar Traditional (Universal) Values (contained in what C.S. Lewis refers to as the “Tao”), have applied in various civilizations over the ages. I agree with Lewis that there are certain principles, standards of morality, “values” and a clear distinction between good and bad/right and wrong, that are universally found across most religions, faith movements and societies. If we don’t teach our children and if society does not generally practice and expect adherence to the basic universal/timeless values of traditional humanity dealt with here, then the void would be filled by those whose intentions are less noble and who have the ability/power to, over time, make others into what THEY please.

In his book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” , Stephen R. Covey refers to the fundamental idea that there are principles that govern human effectiveness – natural laws in the human dimension that are just as real, just as unchanging and unarguably “there”, in the same way as laws such as gravity are in the physical dimension. Principles are like lighthouses. They are natural laws that cannot be broken. “Objective reality” is composed of “lighthouse” principles that govern human growth and happiness – natural laws that are woven into the fabric of every civilized society throughout history and comprise the roots of every family and institution that has endured and prospered. The degree to which people in a society recognise and live in harmony with them, moves them toward either survival and stability or disintegration and destruction. According to Covey, the principles that he is referring to are not esoteric, mysterious or “religious” ideas. These principles are a part of almost every major enduring religion as well as enduring social philosophies and ethical systems. They are self-evident and can easily be validated by any individual. It’s almost as if these principles or natural laws are part of the human condition, part of human consciousness, part of the human conscience. They seem to exist in all human beings, regardless of social conditioning and loyalty to them, even though they might be submerged or numbed by such conditions or disloyalty.

Covey says that principles are deep, fundamental truths that have universal application. They apply to individuals, marriages, families and organisations. When these truths are internalized into habits, they empower people to create a wide variety of practices to deal with different situations. Principles are guidelines for human conduct that are proven to have enduring, permanent value. They’re fundamental. They’re essentially unarguable, because they are self-evident. One way to quickly grasp the self-evident nature of principles is to simply consider the absurdity of attempting to live an effective life based on their opposites. I doubt that anyone would seriously consider unfairness, deceit, baseness, uselessness, mediocrity, or degeneration to be a solid foundation for lasting happiness and success. Although people may argue about how these principles are defined or manifested or achieved, there seems to be innate consciousness and awareness that they exist.

There seems to be an increasing trend where the distinction between what is good and bad, and what is right and wrong has become blurred. An increasing number of issues is regarded as “relative” and people reject absolutes resulting in “anything goes”. The notion of “what is right for you is not right for me”, even in respect of the values and principles of traditional humanity seems to be gaining significant traction. The danger is that “obedience to impulse” becomes the natural default thinking and behaviour, because there is a void as far as the values associated with traditional humanity are concerned. We should guard against reducing man to the level of mere nature (C.S. Lewis, the “Abolition of Man”).

Over time, we will be posting several examples of the values and principles of traditional humanity that we strongly believe remain relevant today.

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Menanteau Serfontein – 15 January 2021. Updated 18 August 2021

Integrity

What is Integrity? Lots of people glibly speak about the importance of Integrity, but when they are asked what it means, one gets a wide variety of answers.

The definition of Integrity is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles that one consistently lives by, i.e. steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.

A key part of Integrity is “doing what is right, even when no-one sees you” and is characterized by doing one’s duty, being upright, trustworthy, incorruptible, faithful and reliable.

Stephen R. Covey says that intrinsic personal security doesn’t come from what other people think of us or how they treat us. It doesn’t come from the scripts they’ve handed us. It doesn’t come from our circumstances or our position. It comes from within. It comes from accurate paradigms and correct principles deep down in our mind and heart. It comes from inside-out congruence, from living a life of integrity in which our daily habits reflect our deepest values. I agree with Covey who believes that “a life of integrity is the most fundamental source of personal worth. I do not agree with the popular success literature that says that self-esteem is primarily a matter of mindset, of attitude – that you can psych yourself into peace of mind.”

Is it important to act with Integrity at all times in all situations, i.e. to do what is right (even when no-one sees you), because it is the right thing to do (i.e. doing it for its own sake and not to get something in return).

The positive consequences and benefits of always doing the right thing, include living with a clear conscience and being regarded by others as steadfast, reliable, dependable, trustworthy and consistent resulting in people knowing what to expect from you in virtually all circumstances when it comes to doing the right thing.

“Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.” – Proverbs 10:9

Integrity should ideally be a core value of everyone. If integrity is missing, it often accompanies dishonesty and the lack of adherence to duty, dependability, faithfulness, reliability and trustworthiness. The consequences thereof include gaining a reputation for not always being truthful, people not trusting you, people never knowing what to expect, or taking wrong/inappropriate/unethical decisions and actions for the sake of expediency inconsistency instead of doing what is right based on moral principles, because it is the right thing to do.

Honesty (a sub-set of Integrity) 

What is Honesty? Honesty means being truthful, sincere, dealing fairly, upright; free of deceit and free of fraudulence.

Honesty is to some extent a sub-set of Integrity. Honesty is the opposite of actions such as thieving, deceit and being fraudulent. Honesty results in one having a clear conscience, as the life of a genuinely honest person is characterized by a refusal to being involved in lying, dishonesty, theft, cheating, fraud, deception, spreading falsehoods (fake news), bribery or corruption, entitlement and bearing false witness.

Always tell the “full” truth. Sometimes one might be “truthful” to a certain degree, but by withholding relevant information about an issue which could put the reality/meaning of the matter in a different perspective, resulting in the “full” truth not being conveyed. If the full truth is conveyed, the complete picture is presented so that the person hearing or reading the “facts” would be provided with the opportunity to formulate an accurate view or opinion of the matter. When facts are twisted or if all the relevant information is not provided, then what is communicated is a lie.

Most people will know when they have been dishonest and realize that he/she is two-faced. In the case of most people, the realisation that they have been dishonest (particularly in extreme cases of gross dishonesty) could lead to debilitating tendencies such as worrying, anxiety, sleeplessness and getting into trouble. Covey says that peace of mind comes when your life is in harmony with true principles and values and in no other way.

Integrity and honesty without compromise should be key cornerstones of anyone’s values, principles and habits. A life without being characterized by honesty and integrity at all times, results in distrust and people will tend to doubt your authenticity, reliability and dependability. Once the label of dishonesty has been attributed to someone, it becomes extremely difficult to extinguish that stigma amongst the people who have decided that the person is a dishonest liar.

People who live a life of integrity and honesty possess a key building block necessary for enabling the enjoyment of peace of mind and inner fulfilment.

Theft/Stealing (a sub-set of Integrity)

What is Theft/Stealing? It means taking without permission something that does not belong to you.

Based on the Tao (refer C.S. Lewis), in virtually all societies throughout history, theft has been and is still regarded as wrong and anybody found guilty of theft is punished. Theft is clearly wrong under any circumstance. Our attitude should be to never take anything that does not belong to you even when no-one can see you, because it is the right thing to do to. The motivation should not be “I’d better not steal this, because if I get caught, I will go to jail”. 

One can very easily get a reputation as a “thief” even if you have been found out only once for taking something that does not belong to you. In more serious instances, theft could lead to a criminal record and even a jail sentence.

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Menanteau Serfontein – 29 December 2020

Duty is a responsibility or a moral or legal obligation that one has.

Trustworthiness is the ability to be relied on as honest or truthful.

Reliability is the quality of being trustworthy or of performing consistently well.

Dependability is the quality of being trustworthy and reliable.

Faithfulness is being true to one’s word, promises, vows, steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; reliable, trusted, or believed.

A trustworthy, reliable, dependable and faithful person (hereafter referred to as “faithful”)  is worthy of trust and can be depended upon to do his duty diligently; his “word is his bond”; a person whose “yes is yes” and his “no is no”. The faithful person does not lie or steal and he delivers on what he has promised. Faithful people are those who are honest and can be trusted and relied upon. When a faithful person promises to do something, you can rely on the fact that he will keep his word and deliver on his promise. These are the types of people that you will want by your side in the toughest situations, knowing that they will be by your side through thick and thin.  Such people often perform better in their jobs than the rest doing the same type of work and would even out-perform those who are inherently more talented, but lacking a solid work ethic. They are more likely to be promoted and to receive better pay increases than their peers.

People who are unfaithful, can generally not be relied upon and trusted, because you never know whether such an individual will follow through on what he has undertaken/promised. When they undertake to do something, they might sometimes deliver, but will often let you down, sometimes at the worst possible times, to your utmost disappointment and inconvenience. When such people do not deliver, they will typically provide all sorts of excuses about the reasons why they didn’t deliver, normally blaming “others” or “circumstances” outside of their control, rather than looking at themselves and taking ownership and personal responsibility. People who are this way inclined often underperform at work, lose out on promotional opportunities and receive lower pay increases than their colleagues. Ultimately, they develop a reputation for being untrustworthy and unreliable, resulting in them suffering the inconvenience of being “micro managed” by their supervisors.

It is recognised that even faithful people will sometimes fail to deliver on commitments and undertakings given, and when that happens, they tend to take personal responsibility and be utterly embarrassed and remorseful about what happened. They also tend to carry out honest introspection to assess why there was a failure and their role in it. They would invariably learn from the experience and go out of their way to ensure that it does not happen again.

The person who has a tendency to be unfaithful, would typically either shrug his shoulders, thinking that what happened was “not that bad” and can usually not be trusted to ensure that the same thing won’t happen again. It appears that individuals with tendencies towards unfaithfulness, don’t care much about the consequences of their failures and they don’t seem to show much remorse; I guess that this is so because they believe that it was not their “fault” and would tend to blame “circumstances” and “other people”.

Most people I know have a desire to experience peace, contentment and tranquility. There are various factors playing a role in attaining this. One of the factors is the need for a clear conscience.

People with a clear conscience are often those with high levels of integrity, uprightness, honesty and faithfulness as well as a high degree of alignment between the “real self” and the “mask” (which was dealt with under the Topic entitled The Real Self vs The “Mask”). Such people know in their hearts that they are not guilty of things such as lying, theft, having been dishonest about something, having deliberately supplied inaccurate/false information to someone, etc. They also know deep down inside that they have delivered on what they have committed themselves to and that they have generally done the best they could. People like that tend to feel better about themselves and will have a better chance of sleeping well at night.

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Menanteau Serfontein – 29 December 2020. Updated 14 December 2021.

Respect means due regard/consideration/thoughtfulness for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others.

Honour means high respect; great esteem; high regard.

Dignity is the state or quality of being worthy of honour or respect.

My impression is that there seems to be growing evidence of many people tending to regard and deal with others in ways that display a gross absence of respect and a lack of honouring the dignity of others. This happens amongst ordinary people, as well as in business, sports and politics (to mention just a few), where people are openly referred to in humiliating and derogatory terms of the worst kind, using various platforms including speeches, interviews and social media.

Words matter. Many people seem to believe that they are fully entitled to express their feelings and views without taking into consideration circumstances, timing and the extent to which their comments might be insensitive and hurtful and even unbecoming, condescending, derogatory, callous and without decorum. In such instances, one cannot help but come to the conclusion that the person who made such utterances was only interested in “getting something off his/her chest”. This is  often done in the belief that it would make “me” feel better, without careful prior consideration given to the feelings of others nor the possible reaction to and consequences of, the content and the manner in which the statement was going to be expressed. There are even cases where the perpetrators of damaging utterances deliberately follow through with their statements, knowing full well what the implications might be, because their objective is to intentionally hurt the other party or damage his/her reputation. This type of approach could also be an attempt to divert the attention away from the issues that they themselves are perhaps accused of or struggling with.

This type of tendency is probably to a large extent related to the growing pre-occupation with “me” and the erroneous impression that “the world revolves around me”, because “I am so special”. Of course everyone is special in their own unique way, but don’t think that you are more special than the next person. Everyone’s uniqueness and dignity should be respected and utterances about someone else should be made in such a way that it is not done to the detriment of the person’s dignity.

In my opinion, the notion of honouring one’s father and mother remains as relevant today as it was thousands of years ago irrespective of one’s religious persuasion. This principle is a cornerstone of the general concept of treating others with respect, honour and dignity; if someone does not even respect and honour his/her parents and treat them with dignity, why would such a person treat anyone else on that basis? I am dealing here with the general principle, realising that there could be exceptions where parents are guilty of abuse, neglect, etc.

In many instances, children seem to have no or little respect for their parents. This can be seen in the way that they speak to their parents, lack of obedience to the reasonable rules and boundaries imposed by the parents and in extreme cases, rebellion against the parents. When parents are not respected, it is almost inevitable that such children will not respect anyone else in authority, e.g. teachers and coaches and then later in life those in authority in the world of work.

As parents, we should likewise treat our children with respect and dignity, even when we are disciplining/admonishing our child. I would even go further and suggest that we should teach our children that “the least are the most”. I believe that the way we treat those who are at the lowest status of the world’s social hierarchy is an indication of the extent to which we are prepared to truly treat others with respect and dignity. If we treat those with high standing in society with respect owing to their status, but disregard and disrespect the beggar or the person who cleans the toilet, then we are on the wrong track.

In the workplace, there are various instances where employees are unwilling or reluctant to submit to the legitimate authority of their managers. It is acceptable to disagree with those in authority, but the way in which disagreement is raised is key. Disagreement should be approached with the necessary respect for the position of the person in authority and also honouring the person’s the dignity. Supervisors and managers should in turn also treat their employees with respect and due regard for their dignity.

In principle, the position of someone in authority such as a manager, should be respected and employees should submit to such authority. I am not in the least suggesting that employees should accept and submit to unlawful instructions and unacceptable behaviour such as misconduct. However, open rebellion, disrespect and undermining someone in authority without good reason, should be avoided.

As a general principle, people should submit to the legislated laws of a given country. If one disagrees with certain elements of legislation, there are normally suitable ways and means available to challenge those aspects in a dignified manner. What is not acceptable is a situation where people deliberately disregard and break laws/rules and promoting rebelliousness, lawlessness and anarchy.

If respect, honour and dignity form a fundamental part of our values and principles and if we live by it, we would tend to apply it across the board to all people no matter who they are and what their social standing is, including the beggar, the elderly, women and children. If so, the abhorrent violence and abuse against women and children such as assault, rape, sexual harassment, child abuse and child molestation, would not be nearly as rife as it is today.

The value and habit of “good manners” forms part of the concept of respect, honour and dignity, i.e. being courteous, polite and honourable in the manner in which we deal with others.

Treat others in the way that you would like to be treated. One of the positive consequences of treating people with respect, honour and dignity is that most people will tend to treat you in the same way. If you don’t treat others in this way, then you should expect to be treated with disrespect in return.

When people treat you disrespectfully, go out of your way not to do the same in return. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled down to that level, but rather dig deep, choosing the moral high ground and rising above it. By responding respectfully, it would normally “disarm” the person and make it very difficult for him to persevere with his disrespectful approach. In fact, in many cases the person would change his demeanour. If he doesn’t, the chances are good that he would feel terrible afterwards and might even apologise. But whatever the other person does or does not do, try your best to keep saying and doing what you know is right and honourable.

Other virtues associated with honour and dignity include courage, valour, bravery and defending your own, e.g. your wife and children. The opposite of courage and bravery is cowardice which should be regarded as vile. It is recognised that there are situations where it is inappropriate to “turn the other cheek”. Wisdom is required to know the difference and to be able to quickly decide what is the most appropriate course of action.

The more you think deeply about these types of issues and the more you get into the habit of choosing the most desirable options that are in accordance with the values and principles that you hold dear, the easier it becomes and eventually it will become a habit.

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Menanteau Serfontein – 7 January 2021

Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

Kindness is a choice which can be cultivated. It is a character issue and tends to flow from what is already going on in your inner self. If you have a victim mentality, then the extent of your kindness will depend largely on what is going on around you, i.e. the circumstances. The healthy and mature approach is to be kind irrespective of the circumstances, because it is part and parcel of who you are.

That does not mean that one should not be assertive or that one should be a pushover, or to accommodate things like poor service. If kindness is dependent on circumstance, our behaviour will be erratic and unpredictable which results in people who trust in and depend on us, becoming unsettled and confused, not knowing what to expect next.

Ideally, we should take responsibility for ourselves and make kindness (instead of rudeness) towards ourselves and others, the preferred way of interacting. When this happens, people will tend to feel safe with us and will tend to trust us, resulting in us being able to be a calming influence and playing the role of peacemakers rather than creating storms, turmoil and conflict.

It sometimes becomes necessary in certain instances, to be “cruel to be kind”, e.g.  to honestly convey an uncomfortable fact to someone that will be to the benefit of the person concerned. It might for example assist the individual to view something in a different light or to start doing certain things differently. The manner in which this is done is essential and the ideal would be to convey the message in a kind and caring way without beating about the bush.

Kindness is often most effective when someone is taught how to fish, rather than giving the person a fish.

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Menanteau Serfontein – 14 January 2021

• Empathy means to understand and experience the feelings/emotions of another (as if you are experiencing it yourself).
• Compassion means sympathetic, having pity/empathy and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

Some people are naturally empathetic and compassionate and others appear to be lacking in these areas. The reasons for this are complex. The ideal is that everyone should at least have some degree of empathy and compassion. Often, people who lack empathy and compassion only learn the need for it when they themselves go through traumatic tragedy or difficulties during which they experience the need and value of an empathetic and compassionate person providing understanding and comfort.

A lack of empathy and compassion is often applicable when we are so self-absorbed that we don’t even notice that someone else is going through trying times and is in need of empathy and compassion. Sometimes we realise that empathy and compassion are required, but have no idea how to provide it.

Some people will always be better than others at being empathetic and compassionate, however it is important that those of us who lack this ability should recognise it and then develop a measure of empathy and compassion. This is important, because the willingness and ability to be empathetic and compassionate when it is needed, form an essential part of humanity, i.e. demonstrating that you truly understand (as if you were in that person’s shoes), and that you genuinely care.

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Menanteau Serfontein – 22 January 2021

Gratitude is the quality of being thankful and appreciative.

We all know people who are never satisfied with what they have. In extreme cases, such people are always disgruntled and keep comparing themselves against others.

Daily thankfulness and thanksgiving for what we have, helps us to focus on what we do have instead of what we do not have. It facilitates peace of mind and helps to protect us against running after “nice to haves”, not because we need it, but because others have it and therefore I must also have the same.

“Be grateful for what you already have while you pursue your goals. If you aren’t grateful for what you already have, what makes you think you would be happy with more?”  (Roy T. Bennett)

(Almost half of the world population — over three billion people — live on a few US Dollars a day. Be grateful for what you have!)

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